How to Regulate Emotions When You Feel Out of Control
It’s hard to cope when stress suddenly overwhelms with intense emotions that spin us about. Strategies to cope such as grounding skills interrupt the spiral, manage the overwhelm, and help us come back to ourselves.
After seeing way more patients than is reasonable, getting out of the clinic late so that you had to rush to pick up the kids… You are now trying to figure out a somewhat healthy dinner when your spouse’s sigh at you forgetting to pick up the dog food sends you over the edge.
You snap back a sarcastic comment that escalates the conversation and you both fall into a familiar argument. You think “I’m so tired of this…” The kids start fussing. You think “It’s too much… there’s always too much to do. I don’t have time for this…”. Then you say something, anything, just to end the conversation even though it stings both of you. …And you still have so much to do before attempting to sleep.
Intense emotions can make us feel like we’re spiraling out of control
Recognize When Emotions Are Beginning to Spiral
When emotions are maxed out it’s easier to identify them but harder to change course. Learning your personal signals along the range of escalation toward overwhelm helps you to intervene earlier. Likely with much more opportunity to problem solve and avoid saying or doing something you’ll regret.
Body sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors all communicate personalized signals of your level of distress. Honing your awareness is empowering.
You’ve likely been running on fumes from emotional exhaustion. Which makes it oh so much easier to react in ways that don’t really reflect who we are or strive to be. The stress accumulation and energy drain from working in a high-responsibility job is real.
We can become disconnected from ourselves, the people in our lives, and the work we do. Becoming emotionally hijacked when our bandwidth is low (gone?!) is fertile ground for conflict.
Many of us figure out or were forced to learn fast how to numb out, stuff, dissociate emotions to cope. The very jobs that we go into require the ability to intellectualize and compartmentalize so that we can continue to perform. Overfunctioning can turn into a professional and personal manifesto, and high-functioning burnout.
Becoming an expert at avoiding emotions we miss out on developing awareness or tools to handle them when they inevitably come up. And they will come up because we’re human.
Would a temporary break away from situation be helpful to avoid undesirable consequences?
Grounding Techniques for Emotional Regulation
Emotional overwhelm can feel like we’re in danger even when we aren’t. Our past can be triggered by what’s going on the moment and make it feel like “it’s happening again”. Especially if the experience, consciously or not, reminds us of past situations when our emotional or physical safety actually was threatened.
Grounding centers us in the present and calms the nervous system, allowing us to think more clearly on how best to respond.
Grounding Step 1 - Orient
Pay attention to Here and Now – take notice of Where and When you are.
Example: it’s Tuesday, Sept 2, 2025, I’m 32, and I’m at my veterinarian’s office.
Grounding Step 2 - Anchor
Reinforce your connection to the present moment. Describe in specific detail three things you can currently see, touch, hear, smell, or taste and how you know they are currently here with you.
Example: I see my floofy dog with fur that’s soft, hear the sound of his breath, and know it’s 2025 because I got him four years ago.
More Ways to Anchor Yourself
Physical: deep breathing, press the balls of feet into ground, drink or eat a snack noticing taste and temperature, go for a walk, smell an enjoyable scent like lotion or cologne
Mental: say alphabet backwards, name 5 things in surroundings starting with ‘E’, recite a comforting prayer or mantra, mindfully imagine being at a calm place like the beach
You’ll build speed and success with practice as you grow your skills such that taking the time vs trying to push through problem solving will become more efficient.
For more information about grounding, check out the Finding Solid Ground Program developed by Bethany Brand PhD, Hygge Schielke PhD, and Ruth Lanius MD PhD.
Know When You're Ready (Enough) to Return
Prematurely returning to the situation that was spinning us out is possible to do it again. Coming back with some sense of regulation increases likelihood that it’ll go better than the first time.
1. Re-evaluate the body, emotion, thought, and behavior cues that originally signaled overwhelm. Without aiming for perfection have they reduced or resolved sufficiently to give?
2. Are you able to return with some amount of curiosity or confidence that you can better navigate with less likelihood of saying or doing something out of integrity?
If answer to either is no – that’s a good, important thing to know. Give yourself permission to take a bit more time to center yourself with grounding or other coping strategies for stress so you return with your best chance for success.
If you’re struggling with emotional overwhelm or burnout, therapy can help.
More than ‘just talking’, trauma-informed therapy can help you understand what’s happening, build emotion regulation skills, settle your nervous system, and reconnect with yourself. Evidence based therapies like EMDR or Deep Brain Reorienting translate knowing better to feeling and doing better.